Chapter 3: Cupcakes and Slop

Scarf-apron tried telling me how ridiculously sorry he was for all them nasty things he said about my momma. It's been a week since we talked to each other and now he suddenly feels sorrier than Aunt Gertrude on a Sunday. I don't think it's no coincidence that he just happens to be sorry on the same day that my momma, the same momma that is supposedly fixing to make me suffer, decided to pack an extra cupcake in my lunch. The jerk goes all week not talking to me- not that I wanted to talk to him- and now he's suddenly friendlier than a pig in slop. (I ain't so sure what is so friendly about a pig in slop, but my daddy always says stuff like that. Guess I'll have to look it up on Wikipedia if I ever get my computer privileges back.)

I told him, "Sorry, Momma wanted me to give this incredibly delicious cupcake to Sue-Ann Maguillacuddy. I can't disobey her." This wasn't exactly the truth, but Scarf-apron didn't know it. I was trying to test him, to see if he was really my friend or if he just wanted my cupcake. "So, old buddy, would you like to come play at my house after school today?"

Do you know what he said? He said "Sure, why not!" Sure! Why not! As if we'd spent this week being the bestest friends and ain't never had no fight. Did he forget about the fact that he called my momma a meanie-face? And now I'm supposed to just forget it all and invite him over like it ain't never happened? "Is it all right if I bring my waterguns over with me?"

Well, I decided to invite him over anyways. I mean, he gots two super-crazy-water-hogging blasters! How can I stop being his friend when he offers to bring both of them over?

Chapter 2: The Day After Never

It turns out that "When the cows come home" is just an expression that literally means "the day after never." I looked it up on Wikipedia. So I guess that means that Momma ain't never gonna buy me that watergun. Why didn't she just come right out and say "I'll buy you your stinkin' water gun the day after never!" That's something I coulda understood.

My friend Carmichael says that mommas are deceptive that way. It's something they do on purpose 'cause they like to watch kids suffer. I aint so sure about that. I think my momma just assumed I'd know the meaning of the expression. She musta forgot that I got a D-minus in history.

I told Scarf-apron (that's what we call Carmichael) to speak for his own momma, and leave mine be. He told me to suck a lollipop. With friends like him, why do I even need to have friends?

Chapter 1: Cows

Momma once told me, she'd buy me a watergun when the cows came home.

I'm still waiting on them cows to come.